At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
