My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
