you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
