is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Randomize
