Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
