Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
