They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
