If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
