we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
