I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
