I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
