i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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