just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
