Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
