I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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