i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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