In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
