How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
