You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
