Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
