i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
