I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
