i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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