fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
