evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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