omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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