you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
