and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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