they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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