i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
