hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
