How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
