Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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