I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
