The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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