forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
