Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
