That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
