If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
