Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
