i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
