Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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