She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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