Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
