Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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