i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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