Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
