Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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