i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
