dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
