if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
