Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
